Monday, October 22, 2007

Your Halloween HQ

Every year about this time, groups of young women all over the country come together and try to think of ways to make ordinary Halloween costumes more slutty. God bless them. Women see Halloween as an excuse to dress up slutty and get away with it. The truth is, they don't need an excuse.

The rest of us men sit around and try and come up with something clever. Typically we try and take things ripped from the headlines - to capitalize on current events, and play off our costume as both topical and witty. "Hey, look, he's dressed up like that know, that Senator guy that tried to have sex in the bathroom."

However, I propose a statute of limitation on how 'current' these costumes are allowed to be, and whether they're funny...or if the joke is already played. Thus, I have assembled a list of costumes that you might try to wear this year....but please, please don't.

This just isn't going to work. Everyone's going to wonder why you dressed as a middle eastern Bollywood actress. Also, you're going to spend $40 bucks on a flowing brunette wig, and you'll have to ask some chick you know how to feather your wig. This can only work if you'll be attending a party with lots of 13 year-olds.

Michael Vick
Too soon? This is last year's Steve Irwin costume. This could almost work - but unless you already own a Michael Vick jersey, you're gonna have to get it off eBay because they're not in stores anywhere. And how do you make this a 'costume'? Embed dog teeth into your bloody makeup? I'll bet you $100 there will be someone dressed like this at every party you go to - especially if you live in Atlanta, or if all your homies are down with dogfighting.

"Oh, you came dressed as....wait, what? I thought this was a costume party?" Nobody will get this costume either, because this costume is just a guy dressed like a guy. Granted, calling yourself 'McLovin' might pay off nicely around 2am in the basement of some Frat House.

Dead Anna Nicole Smith
This one's for the ladies. Too soon? Never too soon - but remember, there will be 100 slutty nurses and slutty Snow White's all around you....and you're going to have pills glued to your face and fake vomit on your chest. Topical, but also nasty - you freak.

Junk in a Box Guy
We all had a good laugh about this, EIGHT months ago. This will be huge with the typical college male - mostly because...well, you can imagine. About as unoriginal as you can get this year. You can carpool to the party with 'Michael Vick Guy'.

Anyone from The Office
Part of the point of Halloween is to actually wear a costume - and if you dress up as characters from The Office, you'll be wearing the same thing you do every day. Millions of cutesy couples around the country are going to go as 'Pam and Jim'. As these couples are getting dressed to go out to the party, they'll realize that they look nothing like the characters on the show. Then they'll resort to wearing name tags that say "Jim" and "Pam" - and then spend the rest of the night explaining to people why they didn't wear a costume. The Jim guy gets an extra bonus point because he gets to make that goofy face and act like he's looking into the camera.

Now - as I mentioned, for the ladies - Halloween is much simpler. Simply put the word 'Slutty' in front of any Noun....and Presto! Instant costume. Let's give it a try:

-Slutty Roomba
-Slutty Cardboard Box
-Slutty Clown
-Slutty Soccer Hooligan
-Slutty Spatula
.................It's all deadly.

Lastly, here's a little inspiration for the ladies:

Gold Digger
Notice the details with the miner's hat and gold shovel on the waist. Dare I say, Bling Bling?

Border Patrol
There are about 400 come-ons that I can think of right off the top of my head.

Sexy Ghostbuster
Nothing special here - just great taste in movies.

Now let's get hopped up and make some bad decisions.

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