Friday, February 29, 2008

Obama? What the hell is that?

I've been sitting around patiently waiting to see who B-list Hollywood celebrities were going to throw their presidential support behind - and now we have an answer. O-bam-a!

This is by far the 'greatest' thing I've seen all week. Theo Huxtable? This kind of star power and political punch gives me goosebumps.

I have nothing major against Obama, but this makes me want to run out and spend 25 hours a day supporting John McCain. Can you watch that video with a straight face, and still want to support Obama? Talk about your all-time backfires.

If anybody watched this video and said to themselves, "Hey, Macy Gray/ Alba/that guy from the Cosby Show/that guy who was in that one thing/Ryan Phillipe wants Obama to be the next president. Now I do too!," turn in your card to the human race and fucking kill yourself, you thoughtless retard.

Now everyone get back to rehab.

Mc-Ca-Ain, Mc-Ca-Ain, Mc-Ca-Ain!

Monday, February 25, 2008

He's F***ing Ben Affleck

Hopefully you all have been following the Sarah Silverman / Jimmy Kimmel musical battle. Last night Jimmy had his epic revenge following the Oscars.

Try to keep up. Probably NSFW.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Live at the Oscars

east coast mark is live blogging the Oscars tonight - 8:30 pm EST Live. I used to critique movies in my spare time, so I guess that makes me an expert? Also, I enjoy mocking celebrities and acceptance speeches with political rants.

- Minimum of 5 shots of George Clooney sitting in the audience, smoldering in his tuxedo.
- Minimum of 3 shots of Jack Nicholson laughing hysterically. $100 bucks says he'll have on dark sunglasses.
- Zero actors will get up and praise John McCain. At least 3 liberal nuts will sing the praises of Obama.

Here we go.....

8:29 pm: John Stewart is hosting. Might as well just have Bill Maher and Al Franken co-host. Hollywood wasn't ready for Stephen Colbert? I just realized I'm going to be sitting for 5 hours. I have to be at work on Monday....

8:33pm: Jack Nicholson laughing in sunglasses! Didn't even take 4 minutes!

8:37pm: First laugh of the night. Stewart comparing the struggles Barack Hussein Obama has with his name sounding like Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. "And who can forget the ill-fated 1952 presidential campaign of Gaydolf Titler."

8:43pm: Nice to see some celebrities getting attention, they've been toiling in anonymity for far too long.

8:51pm: Is Anne Hathaway hot? I can't tell.

8:52pm: Katherine Heigel is hot. No questions there, because there's a strange warming in my pants.

8:58pm: Iterview with Katherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. Now, Douglas was a pimp in Wall Street - but still, what a tragedy that Zeta Jones picked him. It looks like she's sitting on her Grandpa's lap.
****UPDATE**** First time reader, Robin, informs me that I misspelled 'Catherine' Zeta Jones. It's not my fault, I can't concentrate when I'm throwing things at the tv - trying to hit the senior citizen sitting next to her.

9:27pm: All these 'best song' performances are terrible. Can't we just go back to having Christina Aguilera strut aroud in thigh-highs and a bra singing Lady Marmelade? They keep showing past Grammy highlights...surely they can find that somewhere in the archives.

Have any Americans won an award yet? So far I've heard French, French, Spanish, and Ghetto Jive. I had to find the subtitles button on my remote.

9:36pm: Hooray! Conan O'Brien just won an Oscar. (Who the F is Tilda Swinton?) Frightening.

9:44pm: Why don't they just sit Jack Nicholson on stage and give him a mic. I bet it would save a lot of back and forth for the guy in the production truck who has to keep cutting to Jack in the audience. Just saying.

9:58pm: Everyone is pregnant. We get it. The Oscars should have been sponsored by Trojan condoms.

10:10pm: Even more foreigners winning awards. This time some other European chick. But, I'm not surprised. Our young Hollywood actresses are too busy drunk driving and banging dudes to be bothered with 'acting'. Come on - that Grey Goose isn't going to drink itself.

10:21pm: I'd pay someone $100 right now just to get Kanye West on stage and sing something. Anything. A Christmas carol. Whatever. Just stop these crap performances.

10:22pm: Finally, Jack on stage. Glad to see the Academy is monitoring my blog.

10:23pm: In case you'd forgotten, the Academy is showing another montage to show you just how fucking awesome they are.

Halftime Report: So far the Oscars are ranking right up there with watching a Rachel Ray marathon on Food Network. Pretty much it's been non-Americans giving their acceptance speeches in foreign languages, the Academy running montages of how great they are, and awful musical performances for songs nobody has ever heard before.
I'm going to the kitchen to pour a tall glass of scotch, and we'll resume blogging when the urge to slit my wrists has subsided.

11:00pm: The yearly 'death montage'. Wait, Heath Ledger died?

11:20pm: The guy who won best documentary mentioned the 'Extraordinary Rendition' program. And the hippies all clapped and said, "yeeah". How many people there do you think know it was created in 95 under Clinton.

11:43pm: The Coen Brothers, from Minneapolis, cleaning up. Ya suuure, you betcha.

Well that's it kids. Gotta be about the lamest awards show I've ever seen. There wasn't a single memorable moment; not a single acceptance speech with much emotion, nobody yelling at the orchestra to stop playing them off. No nipple slips. No visibly drunk celebrities. Pretty much all that was accomplished was that we further hurt the value of the U.S. dollar, because we gave a bunch of foreigners a lot of our gold to export out of the country.

I'm going to put on Dumb and Dumber to numb the pain. Now there's a movie.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008


Happy Hump Day everyone.

east coast mark is going to be in Washington D.C. for the rest of the week, so Rachel Bilson is here to help get everyone through until the weekend.

From Wikipedia:
Bilson has been recognized by several media sources as being a "fashion junkie". She has described herself as having a "vintage" sense of style, and noted Kate Moss and Diane Keaton as inspirations. Bilson enjoys watching television game shows, especially Jeopardy!, and has stated that if she were not acting, she would be a pre-school teacher. Her favorite designers are Stella McCartney, Marc Jacobs and Chanel. Bilson has turned down requests to appear seminude in men's magazines, specifying that she feels that her body "is sacred" and "not there for the whole world to see". However, she has been featured in a pictorial in the men's magazines Stuff and GQ. She currently resides in Los Angeles, California.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Stuff White People Like

HBO is airing a new season of its old standby, 'Def Comedy Jam'. For those of you who are unfmailiar - it's basically a 30 minute show of up-and-coming black standup comedians. Quite frankly, the whole, 'black-comedians-making-fun-of-white-people' bit is getting old. Am I wrong? Yes, we dance funny at dance clubs. Yes, we like the occasional Barry Manilow jingle. Yes, we enjoy getting to work on time and paying our bills. Whatever.

But, a new wrinkle that I do enjoy is white peoople self-depricating their own culture. This leads me to my new favorite blog -

Stuff White People Like

It's regularly updated with little pieces of modern American White culture; and it couldn't be more spot on. I won't spoil them all for you - but a few of my favorites are "Knowing What's Best for Poor People", "Toyota Prius", "Marathons", and "Asian Girls".

If you're not white, it'll teach you how to be white - or survive in any situation where you find yourself surrounded by white people. This could come in handy next time you're at a wine tasting.

Lastly, white people love Barack Obama. They're afraid if they don't, they'll be labeled as racist.

Monday, February 18, 2008

You've been traded to Japan.

Baseball season is in the air. Pitchers and Catchers are reporting this week, and I'll soon be needing a new Twins jersey - as all my old favorite players have been traded away in the offseason.

To kick things off for 2008, here's a clip of Phillies pitcher Kyle Kendrick - who was the target of an elaborate practical joke yesterday where his manager, GM, teammates and the press tricked him into believing he been traded to the Yomiuri Giants in Japan:

Though, calling it 'getting Punk'd' is a little 2003.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Kanye West just dropped the video for his new single, Flashing Lights. It's so gangster that he doesn't even bother to show up until halfway through. Pretty bangin'.

Rightfully added to my iPod running mix.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Science: Working for you!

What's the best way for a guy to impress a date?
-- J.K., Tuscon, Arizona

If you accept the theory that women instinctively judge men on their ability to provide for offspring, you'll be interested to hear about a study from University College London. Two mathematicians calculated that a man's best bet is to provide valuable gifts that cannot be cashed in. In other words, if you give a woman an expensive gift as a symbol of your devotion, she may suspect you're trying to buy your way into her pants, or she may string you along for more goodies.

However, if you provide your dates with what the researchers describe as "costly but worthless" gifts - i.e., wining and dining them - you deter gold diggers. A woman can take a diamond ring and run, but a night on the town is a wasted evening unless she's interested in you.

This is just another example of the many ways scientists are working to help you get laid.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

My Favorite Super Bowl Commercial

Lots of fun in the Super Bowl eh? Giselle pulling a 'Jessica Simpson' and jinxing Dreamboat Brady. Babyface Manning scrambling, then heaving a prayer - and somehow being praised as a genius? Vomit.

Nonetheless, here is my favorite commercial. I can't help but picture Steve Carell's anchorman scene from Bruce Almighty.

I have the same exact reaction anytime someone has something in their teeth. They could be telling me the secret location of the Ark of the Covenant - and I wouldn't hear a damn word.

Still, I'm not going to their website - I have a life to carry on here - I can't be spending all day on the Internets doing whatever the voices in the tv tell me to. But, make sure to watch Celebrity Apprentice every Thursday at 9/8c.