Friday, May 11, 2007
I checked what the in-flight movie is during the 5 hour flight - Music and Lyrics. I just can't escape the Drew Barrymore chick-flicks I guess. Must be some sort of karma for canning her latest release. I figure if I completely charge both laptop batteries - I can get through the better part of the Godfather Trilogy before I land. [Editor's Note: I like Godfather III, contrary to general public opinion. Also, If you are a male over the age of 22, and haven't watched all three Godfather movies, do so immediately before you are allowed to speak to me again.]
I'll keep you all updated with pictures of me and the crew at swank nightime eateries and jogs on the beach. I figure nobody is interested in hearing what's new in Protein Crystallography or siRNA - so I'll stick to sunsets, palm trees, and Paris Hilton.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
I actually just looked out my window, and all the muggers were dancing in step and doing a choreographed number. Awesome.
I'll post the new 2007 version of this commercial when it hits YouTube.
But, I gotta run. Color Me Badd is coming over, and we're all rollerblading over to the Gap to pick up some new cargo pants and friendship bracelets.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Let me also state for the record that I do not own a pair of Birkenstocks, and I drive a gas guzzling automobile that I leave running even when I'm sleeping...just to help the oil corporations and help spur along global warming. Now that we're clear...
Saturday and Sunday my little city played host to The Coexistence Festival. It was kind of an art fair and outdoor street festival celebrating diversity or religions or something like that. I'm still not really sure. Basically they closed off a 6 block area, and filled it with lots of music on about 4 stages, artists showing off their creations, authentic cuisine from lots of ethnic vendors, and falafel. Apparently falafel is very big in the world of diversity. Belly dancers from India, Spanish Flamenco groups, Chinese drummer guys. The works.
The headliner of this free festival was apparently a performance by the Indigo Girls. I know the Indigo Girls had one hit ten years ago for about 5 minutes, but who knew they were still around? I guess the hippies aren't into 50 Cent and P. Diddy like the rest of us. Now, this festival was literally going on in the streets about 50 feet from my apartment, so my whole weekend was spent with music and the smell of falafel wafting in my windows. I'm all for the persistent smell of meat, so no real problems there.
Around 3pm on Saturday, I'd just returned from the driving range - and heard a massive shrill shriek go up from outside my window. I'd last heard a similar shriek in 1998 when a new Backstreet Boys song came on at my senior prom....and the girls went nuts. Nonetheless, this piqued my interest - so I threw on my
It didn't take long for me to realize that the shriek was for the Indigo Girls as they took the stage. It didn't take much longer for me to notice a plethora of chicks with short hair and jean shorts. I hadn't been on the street more than 45 seconds when I saw two chicks doing a little smooching action - and there weren't even any Girls Gone Wild cameras to be seen. This might be ok after all.
Still, I needed to put my armour on, so I immediately found a street vendor that was selling meat skewers - I bought 2, just to be safe. If nothing else, I figured a grotesque display of seared animal flesh would annoy the vegans and vegetarians in the crowd. I then took my meat skewers and walked over to the beer tent, where I figured the combo of meat, beer, and Santana would insulate me from the hippie love vibe.
The beer tent had a decent view of the stage, though slightly blocked by a Civil War monument right in my line of sight. I couldn't help but enjoy the irony if this incredibly phallic monument, topped by a male soldier with a mustache and a sword....overlooking an Indigo Girls concert.
After 2 beers and 2 meat skewers, I thought I'd stray from the safety of the beer tent to go for a closer look - and like Henry the Fifth, 'once more into the breach, dear friends'. I typically enjoy music of all sorts, but I have absolutely no clue what any Indigo Girls song sounds like, so I couldn't really even follow along. But apparently everyone else does. One
dude, guy, male was way too into it, swaying back and forth and clapping as he recited each and every lyric. I immediately regretted not getting another beer.
All in all - it was a spectacular 75 degree day, I'd had meat, beer, and seen countless chickies hugging and making out. I also figure this might gain me brownie points somewhere down the road, when I can say, "Oh sure. I've been to Indigo Girl concerts. And I love saving the environment and supporting diversity and that kinda shit."
Here's a video I shot, so you can all live the hippie vibe with me:
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Fast forward a few months, and in the past week or so the trailers for Lucky You have started hitting the airwaves. Sad to say, I've already thrown up in my mouth several times. Let's now take a few minutes to dissect the trailer for this 'new poker movie,' Lucky You, and discuss why this might be the greatest con since Dumb and Dumberer.
First - have a look. You might want to have a garbage can at the ready:
Still with me? Not all those who go in come back out. Let's continue.
Men, beware. You are Little Red Riding Hood, and Lucky You is the wolf hiding in Grandma's Bed. It's actually a fairly clever ruse - disguise a chick flick with just enough poker to make guys think it's ok to go. But I'm onto you Warner Brothers. This traveshamockery of a movie cannot be let loose on the men of this country without a warning. So, let's discuss this vomit-enducing trailer:
"..one more heart and you've got a flush..."
Right off the bat she deserves a smack in the mouth. Women that say things like that shouldn't be allowed within 30 feet of a poker table. But, true to form in this suck-fest, all the other players fold right away. Nobody else has a flush draw? Nobody landed trips? And furthermore, they're taking a leap of faith in assuming that this dingbat really even knows what a 'flush' is. Surely there's a Celine Dion concert somewhere where she'd feel more comfortable.
"You raised me with nothing?"
"..Sometimes nothing's enough."
Wow. WOW! Now, don't quote me...but I think that was called a bluff. Genius poker at work here. Stu Ungar?...that you? I've always heard about 'a bluff' on the streets - but never actually seen it in person. Apparently neither had the brother sitting across the table from him. Raised with nothing? This is mayhem! They had to include a garbage scene like this - just to let us now just what a phenomenal poker player our Romeo really is. Man, a bluff. Only in America.
(Also, for reasons I can't quite figure, Borat's manager is sitting right next to him. Click the picture if you don't believe me. "I LIKE!!")
"Don't chase what you can't catch."
Enter the brooding father figure. This is the man who's going to wow us with poker cliches, and show us the road to enlightenment through cards. More puke.
If you can't spot it, clearly the Producers didn't think the romance between Romeo and Drew was going to be enough for the ladies in the audience. They had to throw in a little father-son melodrama, just to wratchet up the femme factor. This also allows more chances for the characters to discuss their 'feelings'. More to the point, I can't stand puns like, 'Don't chase what you can't catch." I fully expect a few other doozies are thrown in for good measure. Maybe they tried: "I'm all in with love, baby" or "I play my life how it's dealt."
I need to go finish puking, brb.
The Final Table
Now you've pushed me too far. I sat through the little romance and Barrymore's idiotic dribble. I put up with the father-son dynamic...'must be tough living in the shadow of your father'. But now you're asking me to believe that father and son end up at the final table of the WSOP together?? And on top of that, it appears they end up heads-up against each other! You just know the Producers couldn't help themselves, and the last hand is going to end on something completely ridiculous - like Royal Flush beating Straight Flush. Quad Aces beating Quad Kings.
We don't get to see the finale - but I can just picture the ending scene these guys whipped up. I imagine there will be one last whopping pun, something with some real charm and wit. I've got my money on Romeo sweeping Barrymore off her feat, and then in a whisper saying, "I always knew you were the Queen of Hearts."
Well, Lucky You. Lucky you if you're able fake a seizure when your girlfriend asks you to go see this. Lucky you if you can sneak a dull butter knife into the theater to slash your wrists.
And what's worse? Now I have to go see this movie just to see if I was right about the ending.
I guess sometime's it's just not in the cards.