Saturday, August 4, 2007

Things that need to go away

Not a whole lot of explanation needed here - just a few things that I think we'd all be better off without:

The X-Games Did everyone see video of that skateboarder that fell 50 feet off the 'big air' ramp last night? That was the highlight of my week. Even better is how the X-Games announcers want us to believe that some 15-year old's skateboarding 720 is right on par with the greatest accomplishments in the history of sports. Hank Aaron, Walter Payton, Michael Jordan, and Billy the long-haired flunky from next door.

War Protesters Knock it off with the valid concerns. And the war protesters who showed up to heckle Bush when he was speaking at the Bridge Collapse? - classy touch.

People that talk about their kids too much Tell me again why you needed to buy a mini van since you only have one kid? Wow, that's so interesting! As much as I try, being a single male - I just can't relate and don't really care about swimming lessons and daycare issues.

Mango Salsas Salsa - fine. Mango - if you must. But why does every restaurant feel the compulsion to ruin otherwise decent food with a Fiji/Mexican condiment?.

Tattoos Yep. You've got that tribal arm band FOREVER. And wow, that dolphin on your ankle is so fetching! Bizarre piercings probably fall into this category as well. The only acceptable tattoo in my book is one to honor your kid should they die too young. That, or maybe a full-back Petra Nemcova tribute.

ESPN's 'Who's Now' segments Clearly they were just desperate to fill time during the dog-days of summer, but watching Jessica Biel dissect the 'battle' of Dwayne Wade vs. Tiger Woods made me want to get into this whole 'cutting' thing that kids are into now.

'The Wave' at baseball games I've got my beer in one hand, a hot dog in my lap...and standing and flapping my arms every 30 seconds is not conducive to ballpark enjoyment. And God forbid you're in the same section with the idiot trying to start the wave. A pimple-faced moron screaming at me for half an inning, "Come On!! Get up everyone!!" He likely has a tribal armband tattoo. I hate you.

Dumping the only reason to attend sports games Remember the excitement of Pepp going deep to Moss? KG with the cold blooded 20 foot jumper? Torii Hunter laying out for a highlight reel catch? All gone, never to return. We're left with a festering stew of mediocrity and forgettable nobodies. If you went to buy a Vikings jersey today...who would you get? Seriously. I'd like to be there when you ask with a straight face, "Do you guys have any authentic game-worn Tavarius Jackson jerseys left?"

Pro Hockey Let me count the ways you bore us.

Hillary Clinton Let me count the ways you annoy us.

And to send you off in peace, here is a video of this X-Games moron who suffers the wrath of everyone who's had to sit through 13 years of overexposure and air time granted to the X-games. He probably has a tattoo of Hillary Clinton on his ankle, just saying. Things to watch for:

1.) Group of moron punks with their shirts off - waving them around their heads.

2.) Empathetic commentary of Tony Hawk, who after watching this guy nearly die...says, "I can't believe he just landed a 720."

3.) Commentators telling us they've got they've got the 'best medical staff in the business'. Ever notice how everyone always has the best medical staff?

4.) Bone crushing, vertebrae pulverising hit delivered by an angry skateboard ramp. Enjoy!

"I feel like I'm watching an episode of Heroes." Can't make it up.

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