A few months ago, one of my poker-playing buddies alerted me to 'a new poker movie' coming out this summer. Apparently it was going to be called "Lucky You" - which immediately sounded a little too campy for a serious poker movie. Nonethless - I figured a new poker movie would be worth a shot. After all, Rounders was pretty much my Bible for several years - so the prospects of a new mainstream poker movie hitting theaters held some intrigue.
Fast forward a few months, and in the past week or so the trailers for Lucky You have started hitting the airwaves. Sad to say, I've already thrown up in my mouth several times. Let's now take a few minutes to dissect the trailer for this 'new poker movie,' Lucky You, and discuss why this might be the greatest con since Dumb and Dumberer.
First - have a look. You might want to have a garbage can at the ready:
Still with me? Not all those who go in come back out. Let's continue.
Men, beware. You are Little Red Riding Hood, and Lucky You is the wolf hiding in Grandma's Bed. It's actually a fairly clever ruse - disguise a chick flick with just enough poker to make guys think it's ok to go. But I'm onto you Warner Brothers. This traveshamockery of a movie cannot be let loose on the men of this country without a warning. So, let's discuss this vomit-enducing trailer:
"..one more heart and you've got a flush..."
Right off the bat she deserves a smack in the mouth. Women that say things like that shouldn't be allowed within 30 feet of a poker table. But, true to form in this suck-fest, all the other players fold right away. Nobody else has a flush draw? Nobody landed trips? And furthermore, they're taking a leap of faith in assuming that this dingbat really even knows what a 'flush' is. Surely there's a Celine Dion concert somewhere where she'd feel more comfortable.
"You raised me with nothing?"
"..Sometimes nothing's enough."
Wow. WOW! Now, don't quote me...but I think that was called a bluff. Genius poker at work here. Stu Ungar?...that you? I've always heard about 'a bluff' on the streets - but never actually seen it in person. Apparently neither had the brother sitting across the table from him. Raised with nothing? This is mayhem! They had to include a garbage scene like this - just to let us now just what a phenomenal poker player our Romeo really is. Man, a bluff. Only in America.
(Also, for reasons I can't quite figure, Borat's manager is sitting right next to him. Click the picture if you don't believe me. "I LIKE!!")
"Don't chase what you can't catch."
Enter the brooding father figure. This is the man who's going to wow us with poker cliches, and show us the road to enlightenment through cards. More puke.
If you can't spot it, clearly the Producers didn't think the romance between Romeo and Drew was going to be enough for the ladies in the audience. They had to throw in a little father-son melodrama, just to wratchet up the femme factor. This also allows more chances for the characters to discuss their 'feelings'. More to the point, I can't stand puns like, 'Don't chase what you can't catch." I fully expect a few other doozies are thrown in for good measure. Maybe they tried: "I'm all in with love, baby" or "I play my life how it's dealt."
I need to go finish puking, brb.
The Final Table
Now you've pushed me too far. I sat through the little romance and Barrymore's idiotic dribble. I put up with the father-son dynamic...'must be tough living in the shadow of your father'. But now you're asking me to believe that father and son end up at the final table of the WSOP together?? And on top of that, it appears they end up heads-up against each other! You just know the Producers couldn't help themselves, and the last hand is going to end on something completely ridiculous - like Royal Flush beating Straight Flush. Quad Aces beating Quad Kings.
We don't get to see the finale - but I can just picture the ending scene these guys whipped up. I imagine there will be one last whopping pun, something with some real charm and wit. I've got my money on Romeo sweeping Barrymore off her feat, and then in a whisper saying, "I always knew you were the Queen of Hearts."
Well, Lucky You. Lucky you if you're able fake a seizure when your girlfriend asks you to go see this. Lucky you if you can sneak a dull butter knife into the theater to slash your wrists.
And what's worse? Now I have to go see this movie just to see if I was right about the ending.
I guess sometime's it's just not in the cards.