east coast mark is live blogging the Oscars tonight - 8:30 pm EST Live. I used to critique movies in my spare time, so I guess that makes me an expert? Also, I enjoy mocking celebrities and acceptance speeches with political rants.
- Minimum of 5 shots of George Clooney sitting in the audience, smoldering in his tuxedo.
- Minimum of 3 shots of Jack Nicholson laughing hysterically. $100 bucks says he'll have on dark sunglasses.
- Zero actors will get up and praise John McCain. At least 3 liberal nuts will sing the praises of Obama.
Here we go.....
8:29 pm: John Stewart is hosting. Might as well just have Bill Maher and Al Franken co-host. Hollywood wasn't ready for Stephen Colbert? I just realized I'm going to be sitting for 5 hours. I have to be at work on Monday....
8:33pm: Jack Nicholson laughing in sunglasses! Didn't even take 4 minutes!
8:37pm: First laugh of the night. Stewart comparing the struggles Barack Hussein Obama has with his name sounding like Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. "And who can forget the ill-fated 1952 presidential campaign of Gaydolf Titler."
8:43pm: Nice to see some celebrities getting attention, they've been toiling in anonymity for far too long.
8:51pm: Is Anne Hathaway hot? I can't tell.
8:52pm: Katherine Heigel is hot. No questions there, because there's a strange warming in my pants.
8:58pm: Iterview with Katherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. Now, Douglas was a pimp in Wall Street - but still, what a tragedy that Zeta Jones picked him. It looks like she's sitting on her Grandpa's lap.
****UPDATE**** First time reader, Robin, informs me that I misspelled 'Catherine' Zeta Jones. It's not my fault, I can't concentrate when I'm throwing things at the tv - trying to hit the senior citizen sitting next to her.
9:27pm: All these 'best song' performances are terrible. Can't we just go back to having Christina Aguilera strut aroud in thigh-highs and a bra singing Lady Marmelade? They keep showing past Grammy highlights...surely they can find that somewhere in the archives.
9:28pm: Have any Americans won an award yet? So far I've heard French, French, Spanish, and Ghetto Jive. I had to find the subtitles button on my remote.
9:36pm: Hooray! Conan O'Brien just won an Oscar. (Who the F is Tilda Swinton?) Frightening.
9:44pm: Why don't they just sit Jack Nicholson on stage and give him a mic. I bet it would save a lot of back and forth for the guy in the production truck who has to keep cutting to Jack in the audience. Just saying.
9:58pm: Everyone is pregnant. We get it. The Oscars should have been sponsored by Trojan condoms.
10:10pm: Even more foreigners winning awards. This time some other European chick. But, I'm not surprised. Our young Hollywood actresses are too busy drunk driving and banging dudes to be bothered with 'acting'. Come on - that Grey Goose isn't going to drink itself.
10:21pm: I'd pay someone $100 right now just to get Kanye West on stage and sing something. Anything. A Christmas carol. Whatever. Just stop these crap performances.
10:22pm: Finally, Jack on stage. Glad to see the Academy is monitoring my blog.
10:23pm: In case you'd forgotten, the Academy is showing another montage to show you just how fucking awesome they are.
Halftime Report: So far the Oscars are ranking right up there with watching a Rachel Ray marathon on Food Network. Pretty much it's been non-Americans giving their acceptance speeches in foreign languages, the Academy running montages of how great they are, and awful musical performances for songs nobody has ever heard before.
I'm going to the kitchen to pour a tall glass of scotch, and we'll resume blogging when the urge to slit my wrists has subsided.
11:00pm: The yearly 'death montage'. Wait, Heath Ledger died?
11:20pm: The guy who won best documentary mentioned the 'Extraordinary Rendition' program. And the hippies all clapped and said, "yeeah". How many people there do you think know it was created in 95 under Clinton.
11:43pm: The Coen Brothers, from Minneapolis, cleaning up. Ya suuure, you betcha.
Well that's it kids. Gotta be about the lamest awards show I've ever seen. There wasn't a single memorable moment; not a single acceptance speech with much emotion, nobody yelling at the orchestra to stop playing them off. No nipple slips. No visibly drunk celebrities. Pretty much all that was accomplished was that we further hurt the value of the U.S. dollar, because we gave a bunch of foreigners a lot of our gold to export out of the country.
I'm going to put on Dumb and Dumber to numb the pain. Now there's a movie.